


GladOS on Farts

by Pronkbaggins



Category: Portal, The Road To El Dorado, Valve - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Weird, You will become more dumb for reading this, bizarre, valve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:27:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28646766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pronkbaggins/pseuds/Pronkbaggins
Summary: GladOS reveals that in order for Chell to appease her, Chell must explain farts in a way she can understand. Chell ultimately gets Gape Newell to explain for her.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	GladOS on Farts

**Author's Note:**

> My sister gave me this prompt. I am an idiot and I have only played Portal I and not Portal II. I only knew about Chel from The Road to El Dorado and did not realize the character from Portal is named Chell. Hence, the first prompt is my dumb interpretation while the second one is what my sister meant for me to write.

VERSION 1 - MISINTERPRETED 

Chel woke up in a strange room with metal walls. She had never been in such a strange place. It was far different from the South American city she was raised in. It was cold and terrifying. A strange, inhuman voice sounded from the skies - "Hello. I have a task for you today. Don't worry, it will be easy."  
"Who are you?" Chel asked, whirling around to see where this strange goddess' voice came from. She had seen Tzekel-Kan's dark magic work in strange ways before, but she had no idea what she had done to earn their wrath.  
"We at Aperture Science do our best to make sure your brief detention is a relaxing one" the voice sounded from everywhere "but we have an important task for you. Please explain farts to me in a way that only I can understand. Failure to do so will result in your termination."  
"What?" Chel asked, frowning and touching the walls to try to figure out what level of hell she was in. She had no idea what was going on.  
"You have ten minutes to come up with a solid explanation. I must be able to understand" the voice said again "please see the clock conveniently placed in the center of the room to show you the amount of time you have left."  
"I don't have any idea what is going on" Chel said "do I need to provide you with gold?"  
"You are being stupid. I need to know what farts are. In a way I can understand" the inhuman voice chimed again.  
Chel furrowed her brow. She remembered the local people talking of a strange babbling wise man named Gape-Newell who they had introduced her to when they were drunk. At the time, she found his work incredibly disgusting and ill mannered. Now, he may be her saving grace. The ancient texts from him talked about how he was a gas machine. For some reason, she felt compelled to share this.  
"Humans have to expel gas after they eat" she said with embarrassment "so technically they operate like a machine?"  
She was not even sure what a machine was. The room hummed and a door opened in front of her.  
"Very well. That is good enough, even though your explanation is limited" the voice said.

VERSION 2 - WHAT SHE MEANT 

Chell had been through at least ten of Aperture's torturous puzzles. She made her way into the next chamber, determined to escape this never-ending hell hole. GladOs' voice happily chimed into the room as she surveyed what lay ahead.  
"Oh, you are doing very well" GladOS said "but this next task is going to be an interesting one. In the middle of the room you will see a platform. You will need to reach it to get to the next step. To do so, you must explain farts to me in a way I can understand."  
Chell usually blocked out whatever GladOS was saying, as it was never straightforward or helpful. She had to find her own way through these lies and puzzles, but surely she misheard that last bit. She cocked her head at the camera in frustration.  
"You have ten minutes. Aperture Science requires this explanation" GladOS chimed in.  
Chell had no intention of speaking to this machine. She just needed a way out of here. The clock began to count down and she used her portal gun to try to get to the moving platform. Nothing seemed to be working.  
"Perhaps you did not understand. You need to explain farts to me" GladOS warned "you have five minutes left."  
Chell knew she had one resource. In her last puzzle she was able to grab a device that allowed her access to call one person in the outside world. She quickly typed in Gabe Newell's number, but accidentally mistyped one letter of his name.  
"Greetings" a man's voice said over the phone.  
"Clever, but you are running out of time" GladOS said almost chipperly.  
"This is Gape. Who is this?" Gape Newell said between loud burps. Chell put him on Facetime and gave him a poignant look, pointing to her belly and making a rumbling motion with her hands.  
"Hm. Interesting. If you have to take a s*** I understand. It's a real turd of the system" Gape said "I'm pretty busy though, so unless you want to take the snowdog challenge I need to get going."  
Chell waved her hands in frustration. She frowned and pointed to her butt.  
"Oh, yeah!" Gape said with a grimace, leaning back in his chair "you want exclusive information on the aportal game. We delve into the colon."  
"I still do not understand how farts work" GladOS said, echoing into the room.  
"It's like air coming out of a giant a**hole, a giant gaping anus" Gape said knowingly "like when air goes through a portal, except it's human gas. Y'know. Farts are a real turd of the human system."  
The platform rumbled to a stop. Chell sighed in relief and jumped on.  
"Acceptable, I suppose" GladOS said, mistaking Gape for her creator.


End file.
